360 degrees

Love is Round
The only love which has lasted
is the love which has everything,
every disappointment, every failure,
which has accepted ...

Graham Greene

I used to think this was a poem about loving other people, but now I see this is a poem about embracing my whole self with this kind of love.
May we be blessed with round love.
Amen

Better together

On Friday I went to Sewtropolis, a sewing shop and studio where I will be completing my quilt project in time for my 40th birthday art show. The owner, Nikol, welcomed me, laid out my project, and came up with practical suggestions for me to be able to complete the project myself, which is quite something given that I haven't sewn since junior high home ec. She's going to work with me for several hours helping and training me and then for $5/hr I can work on her machine in her studio. I can't tell you how much it meant to lay out a project I've been working on for 9 1/2 years and have her tell me she believed I could do it and that she liked my choice of textures. She also knew what supplies I needed, where to get them, and how to do it all on a budget.

I realized as I left and reflected on the experience the last couple days that I felt braver and calmer and not overwhelmed anymore knowing that this kind, knowledgeable woman will be there while I work.

I get so weary sometimes of doing everything by myself- deciding, initiating, motivating, transitioning, doing, making, cleaning up. But when I have a friend along I feel calmer, more able, happier.

Thanks, friends, for being my spoonful of sugar.

Temptations that aren't anymore

I was recently listening to a CD of the Temptations. I sang along to the sweetness of My Girl and then hit several in a row I didn't know. Here are some titles: Ain't Too Proud to Beg, I Could Never Love Another After Loving You, I'm Gonna Make You Love Me, and You're My Everything. Lots of these on YouTube if you want to hear more. After listening to Ain't Too Proud to Beg, I realized that this is exactly how I used to behave- laying down in front of their door at night to keep them from leaving me. I felt split, like I was listening with my old ears which thought these were all such romantic songs which expressed what real love is like and with new ears which thought this was absolute dysfunctional drivel.

Maybe healthy-boundary lyrics don't sell. Try these titles for starters.

My Self
Go Ahead and Walk Out that Door (and Don't Let It Hit You on the Hinny on the Way Out)
I Will Definitely Be Happier Without You
I Respect Your Decision and I'm Moving On
Farewell, I Will Find Someone Who Does Like Me

Other healthy relationship song titles, anyone?

I'll mature when I'm dead

I just finished reading a book called I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry. I laughed and laughed and even though Anjali asked why, I couldn't possibly explain. Here's an example from a chapter on kids, sports, and parents.

"But we did learn some important life lessons from sports. I learned, for example, that even though I was not as big, or fast, or strong, or coordinated as the other kids, if I worked really hard- if I gave 100 percent and never quit- I would still be smaller, slower, weaker, and less coordinated that the other kids. In other words, I learned that even though I enjoyed playing sports, I sucked at them. And understanding that you suck at some things is useful information in life. The world would be a better place if people were full cognizant of their areas of suckage."

Grace Homeschool Association

Last night we went to the fall kick-off picnic for the new homeschool group we joined. Lots of nice families and good food. Met a family we knew from Open Door and reconnected with several women I'd chatted with briefly at the Y. Anjali met Maggie and Tim and Mark played whiffle ball. I talked with several very friendly, kind ladies.

I've hesitated in joining a homeschool group, especially a Christian one. And yet, here I am. It wasn't so bad, really. For years and years very Christian people, especially conservative ones, made the hair stand up all over my body. But not yesterday. I knew what I wanted there and what I expected I got- polite, friendly, well-organized women and their grilling, involved, fun-loving husbands. I'm looking for no drama and no chaos with maybe some friendly chatting and safe play dates. I was especially struck by how each family went around to introduce themselves and in most of the cases the dad stepped out and pointed fondly to each person while saying their names and how many years they've been in co-op. It's been a long time, people, since I've heard that many men take the initiative and introduce their wife and all their kids. In fact, in our neighborhood, having biological dads who work attending with their wife and all their kids happily standing together- yeah, well, that's not a regular occurrence. Anjali brought her friend Maggie to our circle to sit and this 11-year old chatted away with Tim and I, answering questions with the great seriousness of pre-teens. Refreshing.

I find that knowing what is on my relational plate, what I want there, and why is a great liberation for me. I now have the best set of friends I have had in 20 years and I am capable of being a friend to myself and others in a totally new way than ever before. I'm delighted with my internal peace and find myself understanding women who talk about being comfortable in their own skin. I'm am so glad to be months from 40 I can hardly express my delight. For the first time in my life, I am not straining in relationships, trying to make them into something, but rather accepting what is and choosing what servings I'd like in my life. I am longer wanting these conservative Christian people to admire and accept me, to understand me, to agree with me. I admire and accept me from a place of true understanding. What can they add or subtract from that?

And in the process of embracing myself and my life, I am finding the ease to be able to relax, chat, eat the grilled burger, and clean up all without becoming driven. And surprisingly, at least to me, I find that when I least need them and their friendship, I am most able to be myself, receive who they really are, and enjoy without any aspirations of intimacy.

I never imagined that all along it wasn't those people I was trying to impress and gain acceptance from. It was me.

Coming together

I don't want to jinx it but I think things are actually coming together- church, homeschool, square dance lessons, possibilities for friendships. Our family's life is looking different than it ever has this fall and I think we're going to like it.
A lot.

Big Trouble

I'm reading a book by Dave Barry called Big Trouble. This quote made me laugh aloud and I wanted to share it with you. To set the scene, two robbers prepare.

"I can't see out this thing," said Eddie.

"Well, try," said Snake.

They were standing at the entrance to the Jolly Jackal, wearing panty hose on their heads. Snake had pulled the left leg of his panty hose over his face; the right leg was dangling down his chest. Eddie had pulled the pelvic region of his panty hose over his face, so that both of the legs were hanging down his back, making him look like a large, frightened rabbit.

"I'm just saying," said Eddie, "we should of got a lighter shade."

"We got what we got," said Snake.

They had obtained the panty hose from the five-and-dime in Coconut Grove. They had not had time to examine their selections carefully, because Snake had shoplifted them while Eddie had distracted the store employees by pretending to have a seizure. Snake had grabbed the first panty hose he saw. They had turned out to be Hanes Control Top, for the full-figured women, in jet black.



Having worn full-figured hose, I could just picture this in my mind's eye and I laughed and laughed.
Enjoy