Yes, yes, yes!

This is what I found myself saying over and over today as I ate my Wedge Thanksgiving meal all by myself.

The green beans were sweet and the sweet potatoes tangy. The potatoes and gravy were exciting and the turkey was good. The roll didn't make me mmmmmm so I tossed it. And then dessert, my new favorite fall creation- pumpkin angel food cake with pumpkin butter (think apple butter but orange with pumpkin pie spices and maple syrup) and the really, really good vanilla yogurt in the glass jar. Yes, yes, yes! I went back for seconds on the cake, realized I was full, and set it aside for later. Seconds for later is something to smile about.

I like my life. I ate alone, enjoying every bite. I was content with my own company and in fact, I have been looking forward to this afternoon home alone for months. I've pondered various things I wanted to do- Dance Dance Veggie, decorate the house while listening to Christmas carols, art, cook, clean- but now that I'm here, I realize I really like my life and that I'm happy with my own company and that I don't need something special. I just need to be here.

As I sat alone, eating food that satisfies with no guilt, I realized that I felt safe. I have felt the need to be vigilant forever- always watching for the food that will give me a headache, always anticipating the cutting words, always braced for the thrust to my heart, always trying to extract the good from toxic situations. But not today.

Growing up, delicious food was by definition unhealthy food and healthy food was of course nasty. So we treated ourselves to delicious, unsafe foods at the holidays to celebrate. As I ate today, I realized that the tastiest things on the plate were shining vegetables and fruits. Healthy food is also yummy food. This seems so simple when I write that sentence and yet, I see how this belief that I would never be satisfied with safety and goodness has led me to decades of craziness and being at war with myself. What I need will never satisfy but what I want isn't safe, etc.

I also surprised myself on Monday when I said out loud at my Weight Watchers meeting that eating with unhappy, unsafe people doesn't lead to satisfaction. All these years I've believed that the unhappy people I love were the special treats for holidays and sat around the table with people who have been casually and routinely mean to me, like this was so satisfying. No wonder I overeat! How could I ever be satisfied believing that my safety is optional and all the best things are happening among people who hurt me? Geez.

So this year, I've chosen to be safe and healthy and satisfied and happy and alone- all at once. The view from here is mighty fine, good people. Mighty fine.

I am struck by how much my life has changed for the better this last year, in large part to all of you and the joy and acceptance and extraordinary conversations and incredible stories of well-lived lives and deep fondness you bring to my life and help me to embrace in my own.

I find myself standing in a spacious place I don't recognize but which seems strangely familiar. No, not familiar so much as right- right like a good fit, like the right pair of jeans or the right wine.

Today, I have found my space, my life, and it's just right.

Updates

I was just looking at old entries and wanted to update briefly. My tooth extraction hole is doing very, very well and my ankle is much improved. I'm completely off pain and anti-inflammation medication except for a homemade turmeric paste I put on after I do yoga gently at night. I've gone to 2 sessions of EMDR which is a post-traumatic stress disorder treatment. I've bought a few new clothes to tide me over and I'm losing weight once again without forcing. I've been taking time to reflect on everything rather than talk much about it. I'll have some more to say in the fullness of time.

I miss all of you and look forward to reconnecting soon.

Underway

Tonight I went to my acupuncturist's house and he photographed my art. So begins my 40th birthday art show. Friday I'm going to Sewtropolis to work on completing my quilt- part I'm hiring done and part I'll do myself. I've got timely money to finance it from my tutoring which I find serendipitous since I've been trying to earn some bucks on various schemes for years to no avail, until now. It seems right somehow that I would finance the completion of my collected works myself, from my own passion.
I'm looking forward to reflecting and writing this winter. I long for closure.
40 is looking really, really good.

45#

As of Monday, I've lost 45 pounds! I'm tickled. In the way of life, the first 42 pounds took 5 months and the last 3 pounds took 2 months. To celebrate I'm going to buy some new pants. I've been folding over the waistband of my old size 28/30's and my pants have been sagging with a little too much authenticity for a white woman even in the 'hood. I'm not sure what size I wear anymore so I'll order several.

About sweaters- is it true you can shrink them substantially in the dryer? Well, in the spirit of MythBusters, I'm going to try. For years, I've been so careful not to but now I'm going to throw the heat to high and see. I'm looking in my closet and my options are diminishing.

Any suggestions for how to buy clothes that are actually going to work for a while? I don't want to spend a lot on a disposable wardrobe which might not fit next year or next season, even. I'd appreciate any practical feedback.

Three pounds to go for 15% lost.

My poem today

If there is a Paradise on the face of the earth,

It is this,

it is this,
it is this

Poem inscribed on the arch over the Peacock Throne
by Shah Jahan, Moghul Emperor

Gratitude

Out of a sense of duty, I went last week to the monthly neighborhood meeting. "If I want to live in a healthy democracy, I've got to do my part,"- that kind of thing.

A neighbor gets up and announces that she and the Lyndale Walkers are leading a Thank You Walk in 10 days. [The Lyndale Walkers are a group of neighbors who volunteer to walk around the neighborhood wearing neon green hats, carrying cell phones, greeting people, keeping an eye out, and calling for help as needed. Back in the bad old days before we lived here, these people took back the streets from the drug dealers and johns by simply walking, greeting, and calling 911. Incredible.] If people write thank you cards to people in the neighborhood, and turn them in to the neighborhood association, she'll collect them and on Sunday, she and the Walkers will hand deliver all the letters with a sticker saying, "Hand delivered by the Lyndale Walkers." Anyone who walks is invited to her house for chili afterwards. Amazing.

Well, in one of those serendipitous moments I've come to recognize, I had just bought 3 packs of Christmas-themed thank you cards to have my kids give to people in the neighborhood who care for us. Is this cool or what? And it just so happens (wink, wink) that the person sitting next to me at the meeting is Phil from Youth Farm. So I lean over and volunteer to bring cards, markers, and help help write thank you's with the kids on Monday. By the time Monday rolls around, I've sprained my ankle and can't go, but I do send the cards and markers with Anjali who brings home the leftovers.

Yesterday, I woke up early, so full of gratitude and well-being, I couldn't sleep. I got up and from 6:30-9:30 a.m. I wrote thank you cards to people within walking distance who are great neighbors. I wrote 20 and my heart sang all day.


Hosmer Library- good books, neighborhood concerts, free homework help, and introduced me to Museum Adventure Passes
Post Office- smiles and good service even on crazy days, plus they greet everyone in their native languages
Present Moment Herbs- best collection of natural healing supplies in the state, maybe the Midwest
CAUSE Restaurant- participates in neighborhood events, donates food, pays for advertising in neighborhood newspaper, Anjali and I attended fun After Bedtime Party hosted there
Redeemer Residence- nursing home where my Gramma and Grampa White lived, have community cafe and Gramma's House Childcare, attend meetings and recently picked up a block on Garbage Out of Lyndale Day
Pilgrim Church and School- walk our block passing out monthly newsletter and offer scholarships to kids from 2 families on our block alone to attend their private school
Harriet Tubman Women's Shelter- care for battered women and kids, have 15-ft barbed wire fence around their backyard and playground, immediately across the street from police station, their lawn sculpture about freedom and healing inspires my own journey out of childhood violence
Butter Restaurant- provides food, sponsors fundraisers, buys ads in neighborhood newspaper
Painter Park- so many great memories at playground, neighborhood meetings, and now Mark's preschool
Solid Waste and Recycling- not only do they keep our neighborhood clean and safe, they've also befriended my kids, letting push the buttons to raise and dump our garbage bins
YMCA- celebrating 50 years in our neighborhood this fall, taught Anjali to swim, play with Mark, offer scholarships to my neighbor kids, safe place after school, and I've prayed many laps there, It was my sacred space through many years
Youth Farm- so good for so long for so many, hard work, cooking, healthy food, conflict resolution
Lyndale School- cares of kids and families, voting and neighborhood parties there, staff comes to neighborhood events
Crema Cafe- fantastic neighborhood involvement forever, beautiful gardens, gathering place for neighbors, and home of Sony's Ice Cream and Sorbet- yum
Inner City Tennis- fantastic free programs, super values and character assets, tons of caring volunteers
Zion Church- free community meal every week, emergency housing, addiction recovery program, houses Youth Farm offices
Sonny Carlson, my block leader- upbeat, knows everyone
Fire Station- come to every accident, helped my neighbor when she couldn't breathe
5th Precinct Police Department- come to every call, especially when I found the door open after Tim left for work and thought I'd heard footsteps, called 911, and a team of 4 swept the house, found no monsters, and left without waking the kids
Lyndale Neighborhood Association- these are the people who've connected me with almost every other group on the list and who are not only great neighbors, but have made me a better neighbor, too

And that's just my gratitude within walking distance.

Sunday night I asked God again for justice- not justice upon people but justice for me. Make right and whole everything that went wrong and broken.

Something inside me is breaking open- something spacious and deep and powerful and beautiful and unstoppable. I thought that my pain would spoil all this for me forever and that nothing was more powerful or inevitable than suffering; evil was the truest thing. But I was wrong. There is a goodness, a beauty so profound it breathes the universe into life. I've called it Beauty. I've called it Love. Joy. Satisfaction. Majesty. Holiness. Freedom. Today I call it Justice.

It is breathing me into life and apparently, inevitably, inexorably into Gratitude.

Justice and Gratitude are singing the universe into being today. For me.

It's finished

Tooth's out and the swelling and pain are so much better. Dr Z, my dentist was so kind and conscientious and re-did my anesthesia every 15 minutes marveling, but without complaint. Ginger, my chiropractor, brought me down out of red alert this afternoon and I am looking forward to a very long, very deep sleep.
Thank you good people for everything.
Good night.

Good bye #14 with gratitude

Today my infected tooth, Faithful #14, is coming out. I've slept about 2 hours, my tooth is twinging ominously, and I've got 30 minutes until I can take my antibiotic and 90 until my next pain meds. It's 2 1/2 hours until my appointment and of course, in the way of life, today is Mark's first day of preschool so Tim and I have had to choreograph our moves today like synchronized swimmers or maybe those Air Force stunt planes. My ankle is a spectacular blueish purple which Anjali has proclaimed looks just like tie-dye.

On the other hand I am deeply grateful.

After a scare last night when my tooth really started hurting, my mom came and kept vigil with me from 11:00 last night until 6:30 this morning. I am deeply grateful for her presence. She was my calm and competent superhero.

Anjali stayed up with me, watching MythBuster Ninja and getting me to laugh until my mom arrived and then insisted she sleep on the couch next to where I was reclining. When I suggested her bed, she replied, "But Mom, how am I ever going to know how to be a good mom when I grow up if I don't watch Gramma?" Couch it was. I am so grateful for her kind and compassionate presence.

I am grateful that my tooth started flaring while I was awake with time to prepare and not while I was asleep.

I am also grateful that the pain didn't overwhelm me and has actually been minimal compared to what I was expecting.

I am grateful that the swelling in my ankle has gone way down as collateral healing from all the Advil I'm taking. I would never have bought or taken any for just the ankle.

I am grateful for all those anonymous, determined scientists who bring me antibiotics and Advil without ever knowing me or how they've helped me personally.

I am grateful for my dentist who is very meticulous and conscientious and kind.

I am grateful for my chiropractor, Ginger, who set aside time this afternoon to help me just hours after surgery. She told me that people can die from infections like this and so

I am grateful to be living here with enough resources to get the help I need to heal instead.

I have vowed to myself that I will be faithful in getting help for myself for the motherload of terror I tapped last night. And the good news is that after years of trying and failing and trying again, I actually have resources- truly helpful people- who will help with vigil and laughter and tooth and ankle and terror. I am grateful that I am no longer adrift without any comfort or help like I once was. And I am proud of myself for finding and assembling a team of people who really help me heal.

It's time for those antibiotics. Thanks for caring.