When I felt successful

I've been reflecting on when I've felt successful and it's been more multi-faceted than I expected. I realized that I've rarely felt successful in all aspects of my life simultaneously nor for long periods at a time.

I was struck that my purest feelings of success are often from childhood-learning to ride a bike, reading my first gas station sign by myself, getting my new dog Goldie and her sleeping on my bed, composing a simple rhyming poem, playing two-handed on the piano. Pride. Satisfaction. Accomplishment. Attainment. Moments of glory undimmed by loss or failure or vulnerability.

Later successes seem more complicated and alloyed.

Graduating valedictorian of my class- sure I felt like I'd worked hard and accomplished and yet I felt like graduating high school was the minimum expectation, not something to get all excited about. Frankly, the graduation itself was boring and anticlimactic.

Having good friends and a community we called Prayer Group in college- yes, I felt deeply connected to them. I often refer to my spirituality of the time as "surfing the God wave" because I felt swept up in something much bigger and more beautiful. However, I was deeply grieved and lonely, weeping hours a week alone. And that season ended, simply and timely, but the loss still rings in my soul almost two decades later.

Then there were my years at Taylors Falls and Turck facilitating community and communication, teaching, community organizing, becoming the darling of both groups- churches and business. Oh, every success of theirs was also deposited in my account. To participate in their success was heady success indeed. And yet, I never belonged to either group. Never lived or attended church in Taylors Falls nor was I employed by Turck. I was a catalyst, a beloved outsider who facilitated transformation within their communities, labored and celebrated with them, and in the end wasn't one of them.

I remember the moment of walking between two lines of professors as I graduated with my Masters, that feeling of being cheered on by those who'd gone before. I felt successful and happy and honored for that minute. And then another boring ceremony followed by stress. I was trying and failing to launch a business out of my research.

Reflecting on feelings of success, I do have some pure moments- creating art that I feel especially satisfied with, cooking good food, following all the square dance instructions and making it back to my home space correctly, stepping on the scale and seeing I've lost weight, finding the perfect gift- in those I feel success.

Perhaps my ambiguous feelings are because I now look back and see my pain and disappointment and frustration mixed right in throughout it all. I've wondered if I would ever live to see those glory days renewed or if I would always remember fondly and wistfully and painfully the beauty of those times.

A fiercer feeling of success comes to mind- the day I accepted that I had been sexually abused. I had gone to my chiropractor the morning after a debilitating panic attack. As we worked, I accepted the truth that had sucked the warmth from my life. I wept on the table. She offered her condolences as I was preparing to leave and I looked her right in the eye and said, "I have been like a dog chained to a stake, circling in craziness. And today, the stake has been given to my hand. I possess it and will no longer be a dog chained to it."

The kids were watching a Veggie Tales this morning and I was deeply moved by a song about how Jesus gave his best to the least. I found myself feeling least as I reflected on how little success I feel these days. Happiness, yes. Satisfaction, yes. Pleasure, yes. But successful, not so much, at least not instantly and unalloyed. I can walk myself through it. You're growing up, that's successful. You're kinder, that's successful. You're living deeply into your own life, that's successful. But often my first feeling is ... I don't even have a word. It's like, How did I get here? I was going to write books and do public speaking and live up to my potential and go places. And here I am doing laundry and trying to buy jeans for Anjali and being interrupted 2,000 times a day. Is this my potential? Is this what I went to school for 25 years for? Maybe the feeling is entitlement or disillusionment or ...

Well, even so, I'm not going back to the bad old days when I pursued success at cost of my own happiness. I'm not going to stop living my life or return to frantically running around. I know exactly where that road goes.

I'm going to give my emotions a chance to find a truer path to feeling successful.
I'm also going to do some more reflection on what about these various experiences and moments lead to feelings of satisfaction rather than praise from others about being successful. Because I think I've scrambled my compass by laying other people's accolades over my genuine feelings.

Looking forward to hearing your feedback.

Quote from Cordelia's Honor

Re-read a great science fiction book this week called Cordelia's Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold. Found this quote in the afterword and it's a doozy.

"All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers. Consider an athlete, or a scientist, or an artist, or an independent business creator. In service of their goals they lay down time and energy and many other choices and pleasures; in return, they become most truly themselves. A false destiny may be spotted by the fact that it consumes without transforming, without giving back the enlarged self....I have not come to the end of that story yet, nor will I, till I stop learning new things about what it takes it be human."

Gentle readers, what consuming and transformation deeds are you doing to yourself? Do share.

Half the Sky

I just finished reading a great book called Half the Sky about globally what is holding women and girls back. Excellent read. Lots of great stories and research. Very thought provoking.

I like my life

One of the striking things I saw on my trip is that I like my life. About day 4 I was missing my home. It was good to realize that I like my every day life so much. Often I'm swamped in the latest kid argument or cleaning and don't see it. But looking from a state away, I could see how good and rich and satisfying my life is. It's good to go and adventure, to leave behind all the familiar ways, intentionally not check email or watch DVD's, and try on a new life. I found that I was ready to move more- more yoga, walking, swimming- than I had realized in the familiar paths of home. I enjoyed the new sites- rock cliffs in pink, warm springs, prairie dog villages- and yet found myself longing for my own bed, a better breakfast, my own rhythms.

I am more excited about my life than I have been in years. And not the frantic, driving excitement of my past either, but rather a deep, calm pleasure.

Last Friday was our first morning of homeschool co-op. I was very pleasantly surprised. The ladies were a delight, the kids agreeable, and my tasks easy. I got some good money-saving tips and a pep talk on the values of family exercise. The women were genuinely friendly and welcoming. I'm not seeing my future soulmate here, but I've got to say that a morning with pleasant, happy people was cheering. I'm satisfied with the trade-off I've made.

This morning Tim leaned over in church and asked if he should bubble in "Regular Attender" on the attendance card at church. I agreed that he should. We intend to regularly attend Wooddale Church, Edina campus, this year with the intention of many more. And after all the backing and forthing and trying and evaluating, I have to say that I'm at peace with my 5/10 choice.

Tonight is Anjali's first church choir rehearsal.
Tomorrow- Mark's soccer.
Tuesday night- square dance lessons.
Wednesday night- Tim and kids to church and I'm free.

We've already been to the Y twice in the 4 days we've been back and that's good, too.
The season is changing. Finally. Surprisingly.

Two things more I want to say.

One, I never thought I would live to see these days and I am more grateful than I can say.

Two, you, dear people- Tim, Emily, Megan, Angela, and Johanna- you have enriched my quality of life so much. You have eased my too tight soul from an constriction I could feel but could never let go of. I have found my swans. I've been a really lousy duck. Really lousy duck. But now, I'm such a very happy swan that I can choose to hang with the ducks without defensiveness or crazy expectations.

I can eat my vegetables because I know that the chocolate cake is coming.

You, my dear people, you are my chocolate cake. With real whip cream frosting and sprinkles!

I'm back

Hi, all! I'm back. We got in early last night instead of this afternoon- vacationed out. I just plugged the phone back in and sorted through 85 emails.
It was a good trip and I'm too tired to go into it now but I will. Thought of each of you while I was there.

Pilgrimage

Well, dear readers, I'm leaving in 20 hours for a much-anticipated, long-awaited trip to the hot springs in South Dakota. I've been wanting to go for 3 years, been affirmed in my desire during a prayer session with the wonderful women of In His Presence 2 years ago, and have held onto the dream since. Until now. Now, I'm going. And not only am I going, Tim, Anjali, and Mark are going, too. Given where I was and where we all were 2 years ago, this is plum amazing. We're going to be staying in different hotels, visiting state parks, shopping at local co-ops, swimming, sight seeing, and more. We're borrowing my parents' car for the trip, again amazing given 2 years ago. We haven't vacationed much ever as a family, and only this year since Anjali was born, and I am genuinely looking forward to spending this time together, having adventure after adventure.

For me, this is a pilgrimage. So much in my life is in the process of irrevocably changing and I am going to soak in the springs, do my art, get lots of fresh air, and bask in the natural beauty. I'm proud that I've faithfully gestated this dream and am so very grateful to see it birthed alive. I never thought I'd live to see these days, days of happiness and ease and pleasure and satisfaction. I'm going to sit under the endless sky and smile.

I'll be back next Thursday night. As you remember me, pray that I would recognize the path God has laid before me, that I would see the threshold when it comes, that I will understand how to bid farewell to everything that has gone before, and that I would be ready to cross over to my new life in the fullness of time.

360 degrees

Love is Round
The only love which has lasted
is the love which has everything,
every disappointment, every failure,
which has accepted ...

Graham Greene

I used to think this was a poem about loving other people, but now I see this is a poem about embracing my whole self with this kind of love.
May we be blessed with round love.
Amen

Better together

On Friday I went to Sewtropolis, a sewing shop and studio where I will be completing my quilt project in time for my 40th birthday art show. The owner, Nikol, welcomed me, laid out my project, and came up with practical suggestions for me to be able to complete the project myself, which is quite something given that I haven't sewn since junior high home ec. She's going to work with me for several hours helping and training me and then for $5/hr I can work on her machine in her studio. I can't tell you how much it meant to lay out a project I've been working on for 9 1/2 years and have her tell me she believed I could do it and that she liked my choice of textures. She also knew what supplies I needed, where to get them, and how to do it all on a budget.

I realized as I left and reflected on the experience the last couple days that I felt braver and calmer and not overwhelmed anymore knowing that this kind, knowledgeable woman will be there while I work.

I get so weary sometimes of doing everything by myself- deciding, initiating, motivating, transitioning, doing, making, cleaning up. But when I have a friend along I feel calmer, more able, happier.

Thanks, friends, for being my spoonful of sugar.

Temptations that aren't anymore

I was recently listening to a CD of the Temptations. I sang along to the sweetness of My Girl and then hit several in a row I didn't know. Here are some titles: Ain't Too Proud to Beg, I Could Never Love Another After Loving You, I'm Gonna Make You Love Me, and You're My Everything. Lots of these on YouTube if you want to hear more. After listening to Ain't Too Proud to Beg, I realized that this is exactly how I used to behave- laying down in front of their door at night to keep them from leaving me. I felt split, like I was listening with my old ears which thought these were all such romantic songs which expressed what real love is like and with new ears which thought this was absolute dysfunctional drivel.

Maybe healthy-boundary lyrics don't sell. Try these titles for starters.

My Self
Go Ahead and Walk Out that Door (and Don't Let It Hit You on the Hinny on the Way Out)
I Will Definitely Be Happier Without You
I Respect Your Decision and I'm Moving On
Farewell, I Will Find Someone Who Does Like Me

Other healthy relationship song titles, anyone?

I'll mature when I'm dead

I just finished reading a book called I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry. I laughed and laughed and even though Anjali asked why, I couldn't possibly explain. Here's an example from a chapter on kids, sports, and parents.

"But we did learn some important life lessons from sports. I learned, for example, that even though I was not as big, or fast, or strong, or coordinated as the other kids, if I worked really hard- if I gave 100 percent and never quit- I would still be smaller, slower, weaker, and less coordinated that the other kids. In other words, I learned that even though I enjoyed playing sports, I sucked at them. And understanding that you suck at some things is useful information in life. The world would be a better place if people were full cognizant of their areas of suckage."