Grace Homeschool Association

Last night we went to the fall kick-off picnic for the new homeschool group we joined. Lots of nice families and good food. Met a family we knew from Open Door and reconnected with several women I'd chatted with briefly at the Y. Anjali met Maggie and Tim and Mark played whiffle ball. I talked with several very friendly, kind ladies.

I've hesitated in joining a homeschool group, especially a Christian one. And yet, here I am. It wasn't so bad, really. For years and years very Christian people, especially conservative ones, made the hair stand up all over my body. But not yesterday. I knew what I wanted there and what I expected I got- polite, friendly, well-organized women and their grilling, involved, fun-loving husbands. I'm looking for no drama and no chaos with maybe some friendly chatting and safe play dates. I was especially struck by how each family went around to introduce themselves and in most of the cases the dad stepped out and pointed fondly to each person while saying their names and how many years they've been in co-op. It's been a long time, people, since I've heard that many men take the initiative and introduce their wife and all their kids. In fact, in our neighborhood, having biological dads who work attending with their wife and all their kids happily standing together- yeah, well, that's not a regular occurrence. Anjali brought her friend Maggie to our circle to sit and this 11-year old chatted away with Tim and I, answering questions with the great seriousness of pre-teens. Refreshing.

I find that knowing what is on my relational plate, what I want there, and why is a great liberation for me. I now have the best set of friends I have had in 20 years and I am capable of being a friend to myself and others in a totally new way than ever before. I'm delighted with my internal peace and find myself understanding women who talk about being comfortable in their own skin. I'm am so glad to be months from 40 I can hardly express my delight. For the first time in my life, I am not straining in relationships, trying to make them into something, but rather accepting what is and choosing what servings I'd like in my life. I am longer wanting these conservative Christian people to admire and accept me, to understand me, to agree with me. I admire and accept me from a place of true understanding. What can they add or subtract from that?

And in the process of embracing myself and my life, I am finding the ease to be able to relax, chat, eat the grilled burger, and clean up all without becoming driven. And surprisingly, at least to me, I find that when I least need them and their friendship, I am most able to be myself, receive who they really are, and enjoy without any aspirations of intimacy.

I never imagined that all along it wasn't those people I was trying to impress and gain acceptance from. It was me.