Yes, yes, yes!

This is what I found myself saying over and over today as I ate my Wedge Thanksgiving meal all by myself.

The green beans were sweet and the sweet potatoes tangy. The potatoes and gravy were exciting and the turkey was good. The roll didn't make me mmmmmm so I tossed it. And then dessert, my new favorite fall creation- pumpkin angel food cake with pumpkin butter (think apple butter but orange with pumpkin pie spices and maple syrup) and the really, really good vanilla yogurt in the glass jar. Yes, yes, yes! I went back for seconds on the cake, realized I was full, and set it aside for later. Seconds for later is something to smile about.

I like my life. I ate alone, enjoying every bite. I was content with my own company and in fact, I have been looking forward to this afternoon home alone for months. I've pondered various things I wanted to do- Dance Dance Veggie, decorate the house while listening to Christmas carols, art, cook, clean- but now that I'm here, I realize I really like my life and that I'm happy with my own company and that I don't need something special. I just need to be here.

As I sat alone, eating food that satisfies with no guilt, I realized that I felt safe. I have felt the need to be vigilant forever- always watching for the food that will give me a headache, always anticipating the cutting words, always braced for the thrust to my heart, always trying to extract the good from toxic situations. But not today.

Growing up, delicious food was by definition unhealthy food and healthy food was of course nasty. So we treated ourselves to delicious, unsafe foods at the holidays to celebrate. As I ate today, I realized that the tastiest things on the plate were shining vegetables and fruits. Healthy food is also yummy food. This seems so simple when I write that sentence and yet, I see how this belief that I would never be satisfied with safety and goodness has led me to decades of craziness and being at war with myself. What I need will never satisfy but what I want isn't safe, etc.

I also surprised myself on Monday when I said out loud at my Weight Watchers meeting that eating with unhappy, unsafe people doesn't lead to satisfaction. All these years I've believed that the unhappy people I love were the special treats for holidays and sat around the table with people who have been casually and routinely mean to me, like this was so satisfying. No wonder I overeat! How could I ever be satisfied believing that my safety is optional and all the best things are happening among people who hurt me? Geez.

So this year, I've chosen to be safe and healthy and satisfied and happy and alone- all at once. The view from here is mighty fine, good people. Mighty fine.

I am struck by how much my life has changed for the better this last year, in large part to all of you and the joy and acceptance and extraordinary conversations and incredible stories of well-lived lives and deep fondness you bring to my life and help me to embrace in my own.

I find myself standing in a spacious place I don't recognize but which seems strangely familiar. No, not familiar so much as right- right like a good fit, like the right pair of jeans or the right wine.

Today, I have found my space, my life, and it's just right.