Wednesday, November 10, 2010

45#

As of Monday, I've lost 45 pounds! I'm tickled. In the way of life, the first 42 pounds took 5 months and the last 3 pounds took 2 months. To celebrate I'm going to buy some new pants. I've been folding over the waistband of my old size 28/30's and my pants have been sagging with a little too much authenticity for a white woman even in the 'hood. I'm not sure what size I wear anymore so I'll order several.

About sweaters- is it true you can shrink them substantially in the dryer? Well, in the spirit of MythBusters, I'm going to try. For years, I've been so careful not to but now I'm going to throw the heat to high and see. I'm looking in my closet and my options are diminishing.

Any suggestions for how to buy clothes that are actually going to work for a while? I don't want to spend a lot on a disposable wardrobe which might not fit next year or next season, even. I'd appreciate any practical feedback.

Three pounds to go for 15% lost.

Monday, November 8, 2010

My poem today

If there is a Paradise on the face of the earth,
It is this,
it is this,
it is this


Poem inscribed on the arch over the Peacock Throne
by Shah Jahan, Moghul Emperor

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gratitude

Out of a sense of duty, I went last week to the monthly neighborhood meeting. "If I want to live in a healthy democracy, I've got to do my part,"- that kind of thing.

A neighbor gets up and announces that she and the Lyndale Walkers are leading a Thank You Walk in 10 days. [The Lyndale Walkers are a group of neighbors who volunteer to walk around the neighborhood wearing neon green hats, carrying cell phones, greeting people, keeping an eye out, and calling for help as needed. Back in the bad old days before we lived here, these people took back the streets from the drug dealers and johns by simply walking, greeting, and calling 911. Incredible.] If people write thank you cards to people in the neighborhood, and turn them in to the neighborhood association, she'll collect them and on Sunday, she and the Walkers will hand deliver all the letters with a sticker saying, "Hand delivered by the Lyndale Walkers." Anyone who walks is invited to her house for chili afterwards. Amazing.

Well, in one of those serendipitous moments I've come to recognize, I had just bought 3 packs of Christmas-themed thank you cards to have my kids give to people in the neighborhood who care for us. Is this cool or what? And it just so happens (wink, wink) that the person sitting next to me at the meeting is Phil from Youth Farm. So I lean over and volunteer to bring cards, markers, and help help write thank you's with the kids on Monday. By the time Monday rolls around, I've sprained my ankle and can't go, but I do send the cards and markers with Anjali who brings home the leftovers.

Yesterday, I woke up early, so full of gratitude and well-being, I couldn't sleep. I got up and from 6:30-9:30 a.m. I wrote thank you cards to people within walking distance who are great neighbors. I wrote 20 and my heart sang all day.


Hosmer Library- good books, neighborhood concerts, free homework help, and introduced me to Museum Adventure Passes
Post Office- smiles and good service even on crazy days, plus they greet everyone in their native languages
Present Moment Herbs- best collection of natural healing supplies in the state, maybe the Midwest
CAUSE Restaurant- participates in neighborhood events, donates food, pays for advertising in neighborhood newspaper, Anjali and I attended fun After Bedtime Party hosted there
Redeemer Residence- nursing home where my Gramma and Grampa White lived, have community cafe and Gramma's House Childcare, attend meetings and recently picked up a block on Garbage Out of Lyndale Day
Pilgrim Church and School- walk our block passing out monthly newsletter and offer scholarships to kids from 2 families on our block alone to attend their private school
Harriet Tubman Women's Shelter- care for battered women and kids, have 15-ft barbed wire fence around their backyard and playground, immediately across the street from police station, their lawn sculpture about freedom and healing inspires my own journey out of childhood violence
Butter Restaurant- provides food, sponsors fundraisers, buys ads in neighborhood newspaper
Painter Park- so many great memories at playground, neighborhood meetings, and now Mark's preschool
Solid Waste and Recycling- not only do they keep our neighborhood clean and safe, they've also befriended my kids, letting push the buttons to raise and dump our garbage bins
YMCA- celebrating 50 years in our neighborhood this fall, taught Anjali to swim, play with Mark, offer scholarships to my neighbor kids, safe place after school, and I've prayed many laps there, It was my sacred space through many years
Youth Farm- so good for so long for so many, hard work, cooking, healthy food, conflict resolution
Lyndale School- cares of kids and families, voting and neighborhood parties there, staff comes to neighborhood events
Crema Cafe- fantastic neighborhood involvement forever, beautiful gardens, gathering place for neighbors, and home of Sony's Ice Cream and Sorbet- yum
Inner City Tennis- fantastic free programs, super values and character assets, tons of caring volunteers
Zion Church- free community meal every week, emergency housing, addiction recovery program, houses Youth Farm offices
Sonny Carlson, my block leader- upbeat, knows everyone
Fire Station- come to every accident, helped my neighbor when she couldn't breathe
5th Precinct Police Department- come to every call, especially when I found the door open after Tim left for work and thought I'd heard footsteps, called 911, and a team of 4 swept the house, found no monsters, and left without waking the kids
Lyndale Neighborhood Association- these are the people who've connected me with almost every other group on the list and who are not only great neighbors, but have made me a better neighbor, too

And that's just my gratitude within walking distance.

Sunday night I asked God again for justice- not justice upon people but justice for me. Make right and whole everything that went wrong and broken.

Something inside me is breaking open- something spacious and deep and powerful and beautiful and unstoppable. I thought that my pain would spoil all this for me forever and that nothing was more powerful or inevitable than suffering; evil was the truest thing. But I was wrong. There is a goodness, a beauty so profound it breathes the universe into life. I've called it Beauty. I've called it Love. Joy. Satisfaction. Majesty. Holiness. Freedom. Today I call it Justice.

It is breathing me into life and apparently, inevitably, inexorably into Gratitude.

Justice and Gratitude are singing the universe into being today. For me.

Monday, November 1, 2010

It's finished

Tooth's out and the swelling and pain are so much better. Dr Z, my dentist was so kind and conscientious and re-did my anesthesia every 15 minutes marveling, but without complaint. Ginger, my chiropractor, brought me down out of red alert this afternoon and I am looking forward to a very long, very deep sleep.
Thank you good people for everything.
Good night.

Good bye #14 with gratitude

Today my infected tooth, Faithful #14, is coming out. I've slept about 2 hours, my tooth is twinging ominously, and I've got 30 minutes until I can take my antibiotic and 90 until my next pain meds. It's 2 1/2 hours until my appointment and of course, in the way of life, today is Mark's first day of preschool so Tim and I have had to choreograph our moves today like synchronized swimmers or maybe those Air Force stunt planes. My ankle is a spectacular blueish purple which Anjali has proclaimed looks just like tie-dye.

On the other hand I am deeply grateful.

After a scare last night when my tooth really started hurting, my mom came and kept vigil with me from 11:00 last night until 6:30 this morning. I am deeply grateful for her presence. She was my calm and competent superhero.

Anjali stayed up with me, watching MythBuster Ninja and getting me to laugh until my mom arrived and then insisted she sleep on the couch next to where I was reclining. When I suggested her bed, she replied, "But Mom, how am I ever going to know how to be a good mom when I grow up if I don't watch Gramma?" Couch it was. I am so grateful for her kind and compassionate presence.

I am grateful that my tooth started flaring while I was awake with time to prepare and not while I was asleep.

I am also grateful that the pain didn't overwhelm me and has actually been minimal compared to what I was expecting.

I am grateful that the swelling in my ankle has gone way down as collateral healing from all the Advil I'm taking. I would never have bought or taken any for just the ankle.

I am grateful for all those anonymous, determined scientists who bring me antibiotics and Advil without ever knowing me or how they've helped me personally.

I am grateful for my dentist who is very meticulous and conscientious and kind.

I am grateful for my chiropractor, Ginger, who set aside time this afternoon to help me just hours after surgery. She told me that people can die from infections like this and so

I am grateful to be living here with enough resources to get the help I need to heal instead.

I have vowed to myself that I will be faithful in getting help for myself for the motherload of terror I tapped last night. And the good news is that after years of trying and failing and trying again, I actually have resources- truly helpful people- who will help with vigil and laughter and tooth and ankle and terror. I am grateful that I am no longer adrift without any comfort or help like I once was. And I am proud of myself for finding and assembling a team of people who really help me heal.

It's time for those antibiotics. Thanks for caring.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Tooth's coming out

Tooth's coming out Monday at 10:00 a.m. Antibiotics are holding but not curing. I'll be finishing it and I'm so grateful.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Again

This morning I woke up and it's definite- my infected tooth is still infected and is growing rapidly worse. I'm on antibiotics for the second time in a month, the very ones I asked for last week and was refused. This is the last ditch attempt to save my tooth; the next step is removing my tooth altogether. This is the same tooth that I had root canaled 11 years ago, took antibiotics for 2 years ago, had another flare up in August, then another in September with another round of antibiotics, then a second root canal last Monday, and now today. Again.
I'm giving this a less than 10% chance of working on a bone-deep infection after 11 years. But hey, $5 and two weeks to spare myself surgery and save my tooth- I'm willing to try. But only just. I really, really need to finish this.
My painful headache is back with a vengeance, my post-nasal drip has returned, my face is flushed- and I lived like this for years not knowing it was my tooth. I feel like a schmo for letting it go on for 11 years and for somehow letting it come to this. Now that I do know, I simply want closure.
I don't always know what the problem is and I don't always know what to do or have the resources to do it. I used to expend a lot of energy wishing for perfect knowledge and perfect solutions. However, I'm realizing that I can't always promise to know nor can I always promise to fix it but I can promise to do my best for myself.
Good people, after 11 years, I do know the problem, I have a solution (albeit an unpleasant one), and I have promised myself that I will do everything in my power to finish it. I wish I had more to offer myself- infallibility or perfection or something. But what I do have to offer is my very best, every time. I'm making my peace with that and it's going to be enough.