A privilege and an honor

On my recent retreat day to the North Shore, I finally understood the posture I want to have in the face of the truth that all things, good and bad, come to an end.

I've tried clutching tighter, trying to hold on to the season, the dream, the relationship.  This led to rigidity and dysfunction.
I've tried passivity, withdrawing- why even bother?  Why set myself up for disappointment?  This led to loneliness and disembodiment.
I've tried anticipating pain and failure since they are reliable in this unpredictable world.  This led to anxiety and heaviness of soul. 

Good memories cause pain in their loss while bad memories taint everything they touch.

And then...

It's like that for me sometimes.  I grapple and avoid, poke and wonder, approach and distract, blog and watch movies until.... something clicks.

I've been talking about "coming home" and wanting to trade off pain for happiness and letting go of the sword for a year now.  I kept circling it, walking laps on it, talking about it- not really knowing how to do it.

And then.

Driving to the North Shore, a scene from Solitudes (Stargate, SG-1, season 1, episode 18) flashed through my mind in which two air force officers are slowly dying.  As hope fades, they say to each other, "It was an honor serving with you."

It's been my honor.
It's been my privilege.

I drove, my life flashing scene after scene, repeating:
It's been an honor serving with you.
It's been my privilege.

And I found it was true.  Every day of my life has been an honor and a privilege. 

Some people and scenes I could honestly say, "It's been my pleasure."  But many not.
In the good memories, serving with those people was a privilege.  I saluted them from the end of all things, cherishing our too limited time.
In the bad memories, "It's been an honor" was a dignified and relieved way to lay it to rest and the honor was mine.

Some situations were not privileges.  Some people were not honorable.
But it was still a privilege for me to live those days.
Every day of my life is a privilege.
Who I've become is an honor.


And I wept while scene after scene of my life played on the big screen of my mind.

Gratitude in all circumstances is the posture I want.
I used to think this meant being thankful for all things but that's not my current understanding.
It's about being able to find something in every circumstance to be grateful for.
Maybe being grateful that it's over.
Or being grateful to have survived.
Or that it lead somewhere wonderful.
Or that I will never have to live that day or cry those tears or put up with that again.

Maybe it's being grateful to have known such a person even for so short a time.
Or being grateful that they tried.
Or being grateful that I became someone I admire.

Or being grateful for who I was on that day led me to who I am today.

Tears are running down my face again which is a sign to me that this is deeply true.  Maybe I don't have all the words right and can't implement it correctly.
But I am headed in the right direction.

For good measure, within a couple days, I saw another slow death scene from Aliens in a Spaceship  (Bones, season 2, episode 9) in which the dying man says,  "It's been a privilege."

And it always is.