Small Straws in a Soft Wind

This was given to me in August 2008 by Mary Bertelson at In His Presence prayer group. 

"You have repeatedly been urged to release the past,
and I tell you truly that as soon as you let go,
doors of opportunity will open wide
for you to move forward in spiritual progression.
Separate yourself from the emotional strain
of the difficult circumstances that you have endured.
Only then will you see the value of the past experiences
apart from the stress,
and you will know that you have gained great wisdom and insight
that will serve you well in the days ahead,
says the Lord.

Deuteronomy 28:12a
The Lord will open to you His good treasure,
the heavens,
to give rain to your land in its season,
and to bless all the work of your hand."

It's taken several years of steady leaning into this for me to experience even some of this separation and valuing. 

I wonder if maybe English needs another verb tense because "as soon as you let go" and "separate yourself" seem to imply it's all about me- my actions, my choices.  Yes, letting go and separating myself have been active choices on my part and yet it wasn't simply all about me.

The verse is more congruent with my experience "[God will] give rain to your land in its season, and bless all the work of your hand."  My work, God's rain.  My land, God's season.  My hand, God's blessing.  That's more my experience.

I have had very little idea how to let go and separate myself from the pain.  I could see that it needed to happen.  I wanted it to happen.  I didn't lose focus on what I did know- hot springs, go soak in hot springs.  I held on to that one piece of clarity and direction, leaning into it for two years before I went.  Then, it's taken another year of teeth and pain and abscess removal and happy, happy, happy to get here. 

And I'm still going for help and saying to Joe and Ginger, "I don't know how to live happy.  I'm anxious and the side of my face hurts, really throbs.  I don't know how to be satisfied."  And then there are days like yesterday and today when I get a glimpse of my joy.  I stand on the scenic overlook and see my life as truly beautiful.  My heart expands in happiness,  I get high on gratitude, and I do see the value apart from the stress.

And.

That's where I am- And.

Anxious and grateful.  Hurting and separated.  Hopeful and nervous.
And.

Happy used to be glimpses, like out of the corner of my eye.  It was gone when I turned.
Scenic overlooks on the road of life.  I'd pull over and get out, the clouds would part, and I would get a beautiful vista.  Then I'd get back on the road and keep driving.

Now however, I'm picking up a scent, sniffing the breeze like a hound dog.  Something.  Something is there and I'm just catching a whiff.  Waiting for the next puff of wind to carry it to me so I can follow it.

Life lived happy from the inside.  Same road, same life but lived so differently that it's nothing like it.  Not just vistas and glimpses but everything- the same old things- but entirely new.

Appreciation
Freedom
Satisfaction
Rest and joy
Power
Pleasure
Happy

These are the names I've given it over the last 8 years.  It has called to me lap after lap at the Y, in every retreat, in every walk down the pier in Two Harbors, in every piece of art, in every nightmare.

God, is my season changing?  Are You going to going to open Your good treasure? 
Is it starting to rain?
I think I felt a drip.