Incapable of the things of intimacy

Megan said something the other day which has stuck with me. Don't have time for a long blog right now but wanted to put the idea out for consideration and further discussion. We were talking about families and holidays and the differences among love and trust and intimacy. We were talking about family members we love but can't ever seem to be close to. It's like they beckon us closer and then stop our advance at a 100 yards out.

She said, "Some people are incapable of doing the things which would help me feel close to them."

Wow, ladies and gentleman, that is a quote to ponder.

My new kindred spirit

Today I heard the story of Eleazar, one of King David's Mighty Men listed in 2 Samuel 23. Not exactly a scintillating text. And yet, I found myself sitting in the pew with tears running down my face at his story.

⁹ Next to him was Eleazar son of Dodai the Ahohite. As one of the three mighty men, he was with David when they taunted the Philistines gathered at Pas Dammim for battle. Then the men of Israel retreated, ¹⁰ but he stood his ground and struck down the Philistines till his hand grew tired and froze to the sword. The LORD brought about a great victory that day. The troops returned to Eleazar, but only to strip the dead.

I have been here. Bravery, arrogance, and tough talk with the winning team. The battle turns and I am abandoned at the critical moment. Everyone who talked victory with me runs and I am left facing a ruthless, unrelenting enemy alone. For far, far too long. I fight so long that my body, my life freeze around my weapons and I am a warrior whose war ends and I don't know how to stop fighting. And my comrade-betrayers come back to help themselves to the treasure I have won with my life's blood. And still, after everything and everything, my victory is great and God has brought it. I didn't expect to survive and here I am victorious.

My soul swells to hear this man named a Mighty Man. This man makes the list. Those who ran are mentioned only to heap honor on the one who stood. His name means "My God, saving help in desperate times."

Eleazar is my new found kindred spirit and I wish to be counted among the Mighty. My fight has been desperately long and nearly unsung and chiefly acknowledged by others for the treasures it's unearthed which they want.

When it comes time for my trophy, I want to be awarded The Mighty Eleazar.

Learning to let them go

I was talking with my sister today and we got to talking about how our lives have changed. We used to hear a good idea, get excited, and pursue it. Now we're in a season in which there are so many more variables and we hear a good idea, ask questions, most often let it go, and occasionally pursue it if it's a great fit.

I've been trying to recruit students to tutor and everything seemed possible or interesting. Biology of speech in Wayzata- interesting. TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) tutoring at the U of M- possible. Spanish and study skills for special needs kid in St Paul- interesting and just barely possible if all the planets align. Checking Wyzant and Craig's List for new posting and emails was getting addictive. Like the lottery, maybe this time I'd win big. Embarrassing to admit to myself that I had put in over 15 hours since early September and haven't made a dime.

Yesterday and today through a quiet walk and talking with Emily and Tim I realized I was trying too hard and that what I really want for my 4 hours per week and $20 per hour is to help some school kid get their homework done. That's it. And I want to do it one afternoon a week at the Southdale Library and one night a week at my house. That's it. No unpaid prep. No hassle. No interrupting Tim's work schedule or my yoga schedule or the kids' schedule.

All the rest might be possible and interesting, but not a good fit for me right now.

So I got up out of bed tonight, emailed 3 people I had initial meetings with this upcoming week who didn't fit me, and canceled with my best wishes for their success. I might lose another when he reads my revised parameters. Which leaves me with one high school girl at exactly the times, places, and hassle level I want. I edited my Craigs List posting to reflect my new parameters and maybe someone will find me. And then again, maybe not.

I'm feeling sad and a little disappointed at the loss of the possible and interesting which is why I blogged tonight. I am a persistent person and I find it hard to stop. I am a curious person and I find it hard to leave not knowing. Just because it can be done does not mean I choose to do it. But, boy oh boy, there is something seductive about trying to choose it all.

And yet, I'm feeling the frantic fade. I remember past lettings go. I say to myself, "Release is freedom" and oddly, I find that comforting rather than ridiculous like I used to.

My friends, keep telling me your stories about letting go because I need every one- every loss grieved, every disappointment reborn, every itch of curiosity unscratched- to help me find my center again and again and again after every persistent, possible, interesting, curious opportunity which wobbles me.

And for someone like me, there are a lot.
So, do tell me a story about letting go and I'll take a deep breath and listen.

My health care favorites

I've spoken with several of you about my favorite health care people and wanted to get you contact info. I have checked out a lot of people over a lot of years and these are the best of the best. I could go on and on about each of them, but I'll refrain. If you have any questions about who might be the best fit, ask and I'll help you.

Ginger Dunivan, Acorn Chiropractic, 651-260-1763
Ginger works out of her basement in St Paul off Snelling and Grand. She's the best all-around health person I've ever seen. She's got toys so kids play on the floor and she follows them around. She charges about $65 for an hour visit (half that for kids) while most of her peers charge $65 for 15 minutes. Can't remember her new patient fee. She's kind, patient, funny, and extremely skilled.

Joe Forman, Forman Acupuncture
Joe also works out of his home off 46th and Bloomington in Mpls. He charges $75 for a 75 minute visit. He is one of the funniest and wisest people I know. He also does hands-on body work and often integrates music.

Tara, Studio T
Tara works in the Healing Garage on 29th and Harriet in Mpls. She charges $80 for an 80 minute visit. She does shiatsu massage and chi nei tsang which is this emotional release body work from China. She is also my yoga teacher. She is very grounded, insightful, steady, and intuitive.

The three above all swap services with each other and refer people to each other.


Shannon Staiger, counselor, (651) 642-5073 (voice mail)
Shannon works as a counselor out of her home in St Paul off Snelling and Goodrich Avenue. She has several certifications and has a sliding fee scale based on income and ability to pay. She is a fantastic listener, deep, caring, spiritual, and wise from a long life well-lived. Can't recommend her strongly enough.

These are people who have seen me through many a year. I hope you find who you're looking for.
And may God bless these good people who have dedicated their lives to healing and justice and laughter so that I could heal.
Amen

When I felt successful

I've been reflecting on when I've felt successful and it's been more multi-faceted than I expected. I realized that I've rarely felt successful in all aspects of my life simultaneously nor for long periods at a time.

I was struck that my purest feelings of success are often from childhood-learning to ride a bike, reading my first gas station sign by myself, getting my new dog Goldie and her sleeping on my bed, composing a simple rhyming poem, playing two-handed on the piano. Pride. Satisfaction. Accomplishment. Attainment. Moments of glory undimmed by loss or failure or vulnerability.

Later successes seem more complicated and alloyed.

Graduating valedictorian of my class- sure I felt like I'd worked hard and accomplished and yet I felt like graduating high school was the minimum expectation, not something to get all excited about. Frankly, the graduation itself was boring and anticlimactic.

Having good friends and a community we called Prayer Group in college- yes, I felt deeply connected to them. I often refer to my spirituality of the time as "surfing the God wave" because I felt swept up in something much bigger and more beautiful. However, I was deeply grieved and lonely, weeping hours a week alone. And that season ended, simply and timely, but the loss still rings in my soul almost two decades later.

Then there were my years at Taylors Falls and Turck facilitating community and communication, teaching, community organizing, becoming the darling of both groups- churches and business. Oh, every success of theirs was also deposited in my account. To participate in their success was heady success indeed. And yet, I never belonged to either group. Never lived or attended church in Taylors Falls nor was I employed by Turck. I was a catalyst, a beloved outsider who facilitated transformation within their communities, labored and celebrated with them, and in the end wasn't one of them.

I remember the moment of walking between two lines of professors as I graduated with my Masters, that feeling of being cheered on by those who'd gone before. I felt successful and happy and honored for that minute. And then another boring ceremony followed by stress. I was trying and failing to launch a business out of my research.

Reflecting on feelings of success, I do have some pure moments- creating art that I feel especially satisfied with, cooking good food, following all the square dance instructions and making it back to my home space correctly, stepping on the scale and seeing I've lost weight, finding the perfect gift- in those I feel success.

Perhaps my ambiguous feelings are because I now look back and see my pain and disappointment and frustration mixed right in throughout it all. I've wondered if I would ever live to see those glory days renewed or if I would always remember fondly and wistfully and painfully the beauty of those times.

A fiercer feeling of success comes to mind- the day I accepted that I had been sexually abused. I had gone to my chiropractor the morning after a debilitating panic attack. As we worked, I accepted the truth that had sucked the warmth from my life. I wept on the table. She offered her condolences as I was preparing to leave and I looked her right in the eye and said, "I have been like a dog chained to a stake, circling in craziness. And today, the stake has been given to my hand. I possess it and will no longer be a dog chained to it."

The kids were watching a Veggie Tales this morning and I was deeply moved by a song about how Jesus gave his best to the least. I found myself feeling least as I reflected on how little success I feel these days. Happiness, yes. Satisfaction, yes. Pleasure, yes. But successful, not so much, at least not instantly and unalloyed. I can walk myself through it. You're growing up, that's successful. You're kinder, that's successful. You're living deeply into your own life, that's successful. But often my first feeling is ... I don't even have a word. It's like, How did I get here? I was going to write books and do public speaking and live up to my potential and go places. And here I am doing laundry and trying to buy jeans for Anjali and being interrupted 2,000 times a day. Is this my potential? Is this what I went to school for 25 years for? Maybe the feeling is entitlement or disillusionment or ...

Well, even so, I'm not going back to the bad old days when I pursued success at cost of my own happiness. I'm not going to stop living my life or return to frantically running around. I know exactly where that road goes.

I'm going to give my emotions a chance to find a truer path to feeling successful.
I'm also going to do some more reflection on what about these various experiences and moments lead to feelings of satisfaction rather than praise from others about being successful. Because I think I've scrambled my compass by laying other people's accolades over my genuine feelings.

Looking forward to hearing your feedback.

Quote from Cordelia's Honor

Re-read a great science fiction book this week called Cordelia's Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold. Found this quote in the afterword and it's a doozy.

"All great human deeds both consume and transform their doers. Consider an athlete, or a scientist, or an artist, or an independent business creator. In service of their goals they lay down time and energy and many other choices and pleasures; in return, they become most truly themselves. A false destiny may be spotted by the fact that it consumes without transforming, without giving back the enlarged self....I have not come to the end of that story yet, nor will I, till I stop learning new things about what it takes it be human."

Gentle readers, what consuming and transformation deeds are you doing to yourself? Do share.

Half the Sky

I just finished reading a great book called Half the Sky about globally what is holding women and girls back. Excellent read. Lots of great stories and research. Very thought provoking.