Learning to let them go

I was talking with my sister today and we got to talking about how our lives have changed. We used to hear a good idea, get excited, and pursue it. Now we're in a season in which there are so many more variables and we hear a good idea, ask questions, most often let it go, and occasionally pursue it if it's a great fit.

I've been trying to recruit students to tutor and everything seemed possible or interesting. Biology of speech in Wayzata- interesting. TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) tutoring at the U of M- possible. Spanish and study skills for special needs kid in St Paul- interesting and just barely possible if all the planets align. Checking Wyzant and Craig's List for new posting and emails was getting addictive. Like the lottery, maybe this time I'd win big. Embarrassing to admit to myself that I had put in over 15 hours since early September and haven't made a dime.

Yesterday and today through a quiet walk and talking with Emily and Tim I realized I was trying too hard and that what I really want for my 4 hours per week and $20 per hour is to help some school kid get their homework done. That's it. And I want to do it one afternoon a week at the Southdale Library and one night a week at my house. That's it. No unpaid prep. No hassle. No interrupting Tim's work schedule or my yoga schedule or the kids' schedule.

All the rest might be possible and interesting, but not a good fit for me right now.

So I got up out of bed tonight, emailed 3 people I had initial meetings with this upcoming week who didn't fit me, and canceled with my best wishes for their success. I might lose another when he reads my revised parameters. Which leaves me with one high school girl at exactly the times, places, and hassle level I want. I edited my Craigs List posting to reflect my new parameters and maybe someone will find me. And then again, maybe not.

I'm feeling sad and a little disappointed at the loss of the possible and interesting which is why I blogged tonight. I am a persistent person and I find it hard to stop. I am a curious person and I find it hard to leave not knowing. Just because it can be done does not mean I choose to do it. But, boy oh boy, there is something seductive about trying to choose it all.

And yet, I'm feeling the frantic fade. I remember past lettings go. I say to myself, "Release is freedom" and oddly, I find that comforting rather than ridiculous like I used to.

My friends, keep telling me your stories about letting go because I need every one- every loss grieved, every disappointment reborn, every itch of curiosity unscratched- to help me find my center again and again and again after every persistent, possible, interesting, curious opportunity which wobbles me.

And for someone like me, there are a lot.
So, do tell me a story about letting go and I'll take a deep breath and listen.