Laps

In Impervious, I committed to walk laps around my high school track for kind Tara and for myself.

Today was that day.  I drove out and found that since I went a year and a half ago, they've redone the whole track area which is now fenced and locked. 

So, I ad libbed.  I decided to walk around the whole campus one way for me and the opposite way for Tara.  It's a big campus and the two laps took me an hour. 

I got it.  I finally got it.  I was able to see what a small sliver of time, three years, my time here was even though it feels eternal.  I was able to own my stuff- my anxiety, my rigidity, my judgmentalism, my unhappiness, my lack of self-knowledge.  I was able to say fairly that there was nothing any of them could have done about the sexual abuse of my childhood.  My inability to bond, well, that was me, too.  I was able to see that mess as sad and not need to be angry or defensive anymore.  I'm not there anymore.  I'm 40 and happy. 

Sure, the injustice and cruelty was still unjust and cruel.  As I accepted my own fault, I was able to see their fault with more clarity and with much less energy.

It's a Sunday afternoon and what struck me were the cars.  Lots and lots of people here.  A basketball game in play.  Parents preparing scenery for the 40th+ holiday show in a row.  Families walking in together.  Teens volunteering to earn honor society awards.  Teachers coordinating.  The heart of the community, obviously. 

As a parent, this really struck me.  Here are all these good people investing in raising their young people to work hard, play fairly, contribute to their community, and belong.  People with nothing in common but kids they love finding a way to come together to draw and sing and play, all on a Sunday afternoon.  Wow.

And this is what they tried their very best to give to me when I was one of their kids.

I did learn a lot.  Bjork, Siebold, Swisher- these teachers changed my life.  Marching band- I loved smashing those cymbals. 

Many parts of it weren't a good fit for me and wouldn't be a good fit for me as a parent or a teacher now.  But their heart to invest in their kids, yeah, I can admire that. 

I had felt for years that I had let them down, like they had all these high hopes for me which I had failed to live up to.  I was the whiz kid, Dr Amy, the valedictorian, and what had I amounted to?  Today, on the return lap, I was able to say that I was proud that I had created a life of happiness and enjoy teaching my two wonderful children.  Suffering and happiness and homeschooling weren't even on my radar screen when I was 18.  I've become someone I never expected and I'm really happy and proud about it.

It is finished and I'm free.