My truer response to evil

Recently, I've been experiencing a lot of pain in my head- upper left above the old sinus surgery site and behind my eye.  Had the CAT scan and nada.  Then last week, I had a flashback about the childhood sexual abuse.  Skip to Paragraph 3 if you want to avoid the gory details.

I remembered being tipped upside down and held by my ankles as a two year-old.  My grandfather reclined and forced my mouth over his penis and held my head down while I struggled to breathe as he ejaculated into my mouth, throat, and sinuses nearly drowning me.  Damaged my head, the bastard, and now I've got these blinding headaches as all the old nasty energy pours out.

When I remembered, I got mad.  This was a big step for me.  Most often when I've had flashbacks I've felt scared or terrified or sad or unworthy- that sort of flavor.  This time, I felt mad. 

I re-watched an old Bones episode, the pilot (season 1, episode 1) in which the victim's family asks if their daughter suffered.  The forensic anthropologist begins to answer truthfully as to the full horror of her death and the FBI agent answers that she never saw it coming.  On their walk to their car, the agent justifies his answer claiming that they don't want to know the truth.


Something rose up in me and I saw that I have done the same thing.  I wanted the easy truth.  I wasn't going to read the full report.  I haven't wanted to tell myself the ugly truth about my experience.  I didn't want to know.  No one really wants to know.  I was hoping that I could just scrinch my eyes up and avert my face while all the old nasties paraded on out of my life without my ever really having to acknowledge them.  Close my eyes, cover my ears, and hum loud until they've all marched out.

Yeah, that's not working for me anymore, good people.  I'll wager it never really did.

This is one reason why Bones has so captured my attention.  They look, really look, at the fullness of evil and then respond.  Maggots, smashed eyeballs, adipocere, bone bits, crushed skulls, bloody chunks, rotting flesh- they look at it all.  Then they pursue, prosecute, and/or shoot the perpetrators.  Honest look, genuine response.  Because people matter and life matters and therefore stopping evil matters.

If I refuse to really look at the fullness of evil how can I possibly be prepared to respond?  How can I be prepared to protect myself and my kids if I refuse to know what I'm up against?  How can I teach my kids to protect themselves if I won't read the report?  So I looked and I saw my own experience of suffering and I got mad. 

I decided it was time to revisit his grave, salt it again, and paint "Pervert, Murderer, Pedophile, Rapist, Traitor" on his gravestone.  I planned the art I would do to commemorate my defiance.  I thought of where my stash of paints are and how much salt I would bring. 

But then something happened I didn't expect. My next blog is going to have more detail on this but let me sum up.

I realized that acknowledging evil was only the beginning.  Remorse and striving for atonement.  Oppose evil.  Do good.  Pursue righteousness.  This isn't enough.

Living a happy life.  Finding pleasure in the world.  Working for healing.  Gratitude, awe, and creating beauty.  This is my deeper, more vital response to evil. 



Not participating in evil is important.
Preparing to respond and protect is important.
I need to give my mashed skull and injured nerves a real look along with the evil that set them in motion.

But paramount to that, I must live.
 
Evil is true and I must stand against it because life is more true.


Being mad isn't going to work any better than flinching from evil did as a strategy.

Happiness and pleasure and kindness and laughter- that's going to work for a life.

So, I've decided that instead of going back with paint and salt and pouring my energy out on his grave as a victim, I'm going to make myself a list of pleasures, a checklist of happiness, and I am going to do at least one every day.  My own version of a Bucket List with stuff like:

Sing to live music.
Eat fabulous flavors. 
Play a game.
Watch some comedy.
Feel the breeze.
Stand in the sun.
Indulge in a great conversation.
Hug someone I like.
Breathe deep on a fabulous smell.
Stop to examine natural beauty.
Dance.

I am going to hang my Pleasures Checklist up and check it off.

I will cultivate my happiness until it grows roots and bears fruit.
I will tend my pleasure until my body is permeated with it bones to skin.

Then I will laugh and touch and listen and teach healing.

My life is so beautiful.