The bell has been rung

Yesterday Anjali asked me for a list of my mistakes in response to my comment that even moms and dads can make mistakes sometimes. On the fly I listed a couple and she informed me that my mistakes are boring. I was reflecting on this comment over breakfast today and realized that I've never wanted to make flamboyantly interesting mistakes since the consequences of my mundane ones have so awful. And even the consequences I've received from other people's bad decisions have had life long impact.

The one most of my mind this last 9 months is that I have abnormal cervical cells, possibly pre-cancerous. I have HPV, Human papillomavirus, which means I have wart viruses compromising my cervix creating an environment where things can mutate into cancer. I found out last fall after an abnormal pap smear. I was shocked and angry and deeply sad. I have a sexually transmitted disease, a venereal disease. Particularly insidious is that the virus can insinuate itself into the body so subtly that body becomes acclimated to the virus and recognizes the virus as itself rather than a foreign invader worthy of immune response.

I've been treating the infection for months and have seen some positive changes in symptoms I'd never been able to understand or resolve in all my years of healing. And these symptoms go back as far as I can remember. In fact, as I've done more reading recently, I've begun to wonder if many of my immune problems in my 20's stemmed from this infection as many of the treatments I did are also recommended for HPV.

And to where can all these consequences be traced? Back 38 years to the sexual abuse by my Grampa Eldridge when I was 1-3 years old. I have had this virus for nearly four decades and have spent 38 years suffering its undiagnosed effects along with spending uncounted thousands of dollars in treating it. I got a STD as a preschooler without ever choosing to have sex.

The bell of evil was rung 38 years ago and can't be unrung. And it continues ringing down these four decades.

I used to ask God for justice upon my Grampa but all the vengeance in the world won't unring that bell. Now I'm asking for justice for me.

For the first time, last Friday at my chiropractor's, she was able to muscle test and get the answer "virus" from my body. Now that I'm recognizing friend from foe, I can respond. I can boost my immune system and I can grieve and speak the truth to myself and I can reclaim my body for me and boot out the sneaky bastards. I believe I have a very good chance of getting well. Finally.

And then, perhaps- after I have paid the price, and after Kathy broke the terrible news to me and after Ginger and Joe and Tara have labored on my behalf for healing and all the unsung researchers have formulated remedies and the woman on the internet who compiled all the info has shared it- perhaps then this bell will fall silent. Or maybe it will ring until my death silences it and my children and grandchildren no longer live under the vibration of abuse.

God, bless all those who labor in kindness and hope for the silencing of the evil at work in my life. And I petition for justice for me and nothing less. Amen