Walking through

"The history books say that Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves.  It is true that he signed a document called the Emancipation Proclamation, which established the legal precedent for freedom.  But to give all the credit to Lincoln omits what the slaves and free blacks did for themselves- and the nation. 

Ultimately, no one can free anyone else.  You have to free yourself.  Somebody else can unlock the door and even push it ajar, but they can't walk through it for you.  You have to do that."

From Slave Ship to Freedom Road, Julius Lester

Good books

Found a bunch of interesting books lately and wanted to share.


From Slave Ship to Freedom Road by Julius Lester and Rod Brown.  Most thought provoking book on race relations I've read in a long time.  Plus the art was completely moving.

Mahalia: A Life in Gospel Music by Roxanne Orgill.  Most accessible biography I've read in a good while.  Got some of her CD's on reserve, too.

Jamie's Food Revolution: Rediscover how to cook simple, delicious, affordable meals by Jamie Oliver.  Interesting premise.  Haven't tried the recipes yet but they look really good.

And be still my beating heart- it's my blog and it didn't mention teeth, jaws, or infections once.  :)

Limp

I'm so exhausted.  I'm hoping it's simply an adrenaline let-down after all these months.  I'm done with the antibiotics and I counted- I've had 100 Clindamycin and 100 Penicillin since September- which is probably equal to all the ones I've taken in the previous 3 decades.  My digestion is doing well considering, which means lousy.  I'm trying to avoid pain meds, too, since they're hard on stomach/liver/kidneys and make me slightly hyper, so my jaw's throbbing and I'm trying to decide which trade-off to make.  I was in bed for almost 12 hours last night and burst into tears over the van's mud shield problem this morning, which tells me I'm very worn.  I feel flat like a pancake, much more so than even last week. 

This is exactly what adrenaline is supposed to do, push us through the pain and danger until we're safe.  And now I'm paying the piper, just when I feel so relieved and happy, I'd love to celebrate.  So, I guess I'm celebrating by resting and sleeping and weeping the stress out which wasn't quite what I'd had in mind frankly. But it seems real given the last 6 months.

I'm seeing Ginger on Thursday and I bet I'll feel a lot better by the weekend.  Now that it's "over" I've been wanting to get back into action, but no.  I will slow down and rest.  Red alert's over and it's time to honor everything else in my queue that got ignored. 

It's good to be a human being

I've seen Hubble at the Science Museum twice and it has made quite an impact.  As I sat there the first time, I watched the space shuttle take off and then the camera panned to the crowd of people sitting in the stands watching the take-off in person.  Regular folks in baseball caps and t-shirts, holding binoculars and kids, oooh-ing and aaah-ing as these 4 astronauts, our representatives as human beings, blasted off into outer space. 

I remembered how as a 7th grader when asked to choose my future dream profession, I answered "first teacher on the orbiting space station."  The dream has seemed more improbable each year and going into 40 with no school in space in sight, I'm guessing I'll never go.  But I wanted to.  Watching these elite astronauts launch, I saw in an instant how ridiculous my dream was- a 12 year old, fat girl with glasses- and I was humiliated.  How presumptuous and utterly ludicrous. 

And then in the next moment, my perspective changed and I saw how noble and beautiful it is to be a human being who wants to go to the stars, who sits in the stands clapping for those who can, who pays taxes so someone can go for us and satisfy our curiosity.  And that's what it boils down to- curiosity and awe.  So human and so beautiful even when it's ridiculous.  We repair ridiculously expensive telescopes in oven mitt size space suit gloves so we can glimpse what's beyond our horizon.  That's the human spirit.

I used to walk laps at the Y while a special ed class of teenagers was walking the track or being pushed in wheelchairs.  There was this one girl who was in a wheelchair and could only move by pulling herself with one foot.  And still she did her lap one little scoot at a time, determined to move anyway.  Then there was this boy who couldn't even remotely control his own wheelchair so one of the teachers pushed him around the track.  Once, I saw a young teacher grab the handles and start running around the track.  The boy threw his head back, hair blowing in the breeze, laughing with pure delight.  I walked with tears running down my face in awe of the sheer beauty of the human spirit.  I used to feel sorry for people like him that they would never run and now I feel honored to be a human being like him who longs to go faster with the breeze in his hair.  That's the human spirit.

It is very good to be a human being, even one who will never in this lifetime see an earthrise or experience weightlessness.  Especially good to be a human being who longs to anyway.

I've decided that I would like to see a space launch, shuttle or whatever comes after, sometime in my lifetime.  And I'm asking God that when I cross over, I get a room with a view of that stellar nursery.

Reassurance

I read my Wedge newsletter today and saw this quote:

When I think of Meyer Lemons, for example, a small spark ignites in my heart—they give me great satisfaction and the resonant pleasure that only the simplest, finest things in life can bring. Winning a hundred dollars is fun, it's a happening! But consuming a Meyer Lemon is an enduring experience—a reassurance that nature is out there being totally fabulous in a manner so casual and infinite that no human could ever hope to imitate it.

 I recently have seen the Hubble movie at the Science Museum and talk about "fabulous in a manner so casual and infinite"- it's the stellar nursery where solar systems are born.  Every time I see this, I sit there with tears running down my face in awe.  Knowing that the light from these stars started heading towards me millions of years ago and is just getting here now- that reassures me that there are other totally fabulous things headed my way which I just can't see because their light hasn't reached me yet.  But they're coming at the fastest speed possible and I need to keep my eyes open. 

Strategies for staying grounded

I'm guessing this blog is mostly for me, so if you find yourself saying, "Another jaw blog?!?"- skip it.  I'm back on antibiotics, the oral surgeon said this is beyond the scope of his practice, and I've got an appointment with an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist tomorrow morning, all of whom are surgeons, so guess what that means I'm going to be doing as soon as possible.  I'm hoping to leave tomorrow's meeting with a date and time to finish this.

After snot-slinging, boo-hoo crying (isn't that a great phrase?- it's my sister's) on Tim's shoulder and making a bunch of phone calls while cooking for 4 hours straight because I was too anxious to rest, I realize that I need a strategy to stay as grounded and calm as possible through this process.

Eat, exercise, sleep, repeat.  That's my basic strategy.  I've got a start on some great food and I'm going to have to force myself to start eating it.  I need to yoga daily so I can sleep as well as I can. I need to keep walking and dancing.  This is my first line of defense against overwhelming stress.  Unfortunately, it's 2:30 p.m. and I haven't eaten today.  By 3:00, I will have eaten, including a vegetable, preferably a green one.

Then, for the second line of defense, I need to stay connected to people and to my life.  I need to talk with interesting people about interesting things.  Talk about my fears some but not all the time.  Keep my daily routine as normal as possible.  I will cancel what I need to, but I will gain nothing by pacing and stewing all the time.  

Third, I need to be distracted with pleasant distractions- blogging, reading, movies, great conversations, outings, etc.  I need to have fun and laugh especially.

Fourth, I'm going to need to release again and again those things I can't control so that I free up energy from futility for the things like eating and exercising which I can choose.   The date, the staff, the location, the actual procedure, the outcome, the pain level, the way other people feel about me and respond to me- those are all beyond me.  This is the list to keep writing on God's white board and walking away from.

Fifth, I need to keep asking for help.  Would you help me?  I sure could use some interesting conversations, great food, laughs, movies, and walks with some of my favorite people.  I should have a better grasp on my schedule by this time tomorrow.

Ok, I just took my first bite of Bounty Rice which has cabbage in it.  Let me go take a couple more while I find something relaxing to read or watch.  Stargate's out until the adrenaline's off.  Maybe Mythbusters or Muppets or Dr Quinn?  Breathe in and out.

Fun friends

Here is a photo of the ornaments we customized to remember this year's Conversation Circle.  I love how each of you modified such a simple doll and made it your own- changing hair color, converting skirt to pants, adding glasses.  You guys are awesome!  I look forward to pulling these out in future years from the Christmas box and remembering us this year.