If I Die

I would like to be able to save someone
even if it isn't myself.

***

I have more.
I'm loved more.
I have already overcome.
-Casey

Astrophysics for People in a Hurry

"The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you."

-Neil deGrasse Tyson

Best Exotic Marigold Hotel quotes

"All we know about the future is that it will be different.
But perhaps what we far is that it will be the same.
So we must celebrate the change."

"-I'm not sure what I shall do.  Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.

-Most things don't.  But you know, sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff."

"In India we have a saying:
Everything will be all right in the end.
So if it is not all right, it is not the end."

"You only know if you really care."

Quotes

"When the bells ring out for the first time in four years,

let us remember our brothers fallen in the field

and victory."

Warhorse

"It is more important to know what sort of person has a disease than to know what sort of disease a person has."

Hippocrates

"Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil."

Aristotle

"You know, being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things."

Cristina, Grey's Anatomy S4.E6

 

 

Grief

When the fantasy is all that I have...

On mental illness

Oh, sweetie, I woke with you on my heart this morning.  I realized that I want to say, "I lament this.  I lament for you.  I lament for M.  I lament for J and K.  And I lament for Ms. I."

You are not alone.

Mental illness is a whole 'nother kettle of fish in which the normal cause and effect cycles don't match.  So everyone who tries to make them match up, "If only you'd..." or "Have you tried..." is trying to change the effect by changing a relational cause.  But the cause of severe, persistent mental illness is not relational or the behavior of others; its' locus is within the person.  There is not always a way to break into that internal cycle to change it.  And continuing to believe that someone outside the system can interrupt that self-contained cycle by acting or talking or even medicating... well, sometimes we can but sometimes that's not granted to us.  Sometimes the internal cycle is so driving that the person can't stop and so closed that nothing can penetrate it.  At least nothing we know.  And that's why severe, persistent mental illness is so severe and persistent.  It's not because people don't try but it's that we can't reach it.  It hasn't been granted to us.

Sometimes helping the ones we love most is not granted to us.

And that is lamentable.

I do not say, "I'm sorry for Ms. I" or for my family members with mental illness like I used to because that implies that it was somehow my fault, that I am somehow culpable, that I somehow need to make amends.  It is not my responsibility because I am not able to respond.  I can't reach the problem.  Never have been able to.  Tried and broke myself trying.  Can not respond.  Am not responsible.

This breaks my heart and keeps on breaking it.  But it is not within my ability to respond so I lament but don't apologize anymore, not even in my own head. 

I caught myself praying this morning, "I'm sorry for Ms. I" but I interrupted myself and changed to, "I lament this for Ms. I.  I lament for her family.  And I especially lament for her mom."

Do you know how on KTIS they do that thing called the Drive-through Difference where someone pays for the order of the person behind them?  Well, let's just say, I've paid four decades of my life into this so I'm hoping you get a meal out of it now. 

You, dear, are responsible for your choices and you've used your ability to respond to learn better parenting skills and go to therapy yourself and take her to therapy and talk calmly and set good boundaries and get her evaluated and take her to get meds.  Her choice to refuse your help and your decision to stand ready to help but no longer try to force it on her is so, so healthy.  I am so very proud of you and I wish that my family and I had done the same many, many years ago instead of breaking ourselves and our whole family system on trying to control what we can't reach.

You've tried.

It hasn't been granted.

You're waiting to do her good when she asks.

It is still lamentable and will continue to be lamentable.

But you are choosing wisely within it.

I've never been more glad to be your friend.

I've taken my turn and had my say.  Give me a call after 3:00 if you want me to listen.

Love,

Amy

unsafe

They think they got away with it.
They burn their victim.
They blow him up.
They toss him in the ocean.
They bury them in the desert.
They throw 'em through wood chippers.
Sometimes, you know, years go by.
They relax.
Then they start living their lives like they didn't do anything wrong.
Life they didn't spend somebody else's life in order to get what they got.
They think they're safe from retribution,
but, you know,

you make those bastards unsafe.

--Booth, Bones 1:19