Oh, sweetie,
I woke with you on my heart this morning. I realized that I want to
say, "I lament this. I lament for you. I lament for M. I lament
for J and K. And I lament for Ms. I."
You are not alone.
Mental
illness is a whole 'nother kettle of fish in which the normal cause and
effect cycles don't match. So everyone who tries to make them match
up, "If only you'd..." or "Have you tried..." is trying to change the
effect by changing a relational cause. But the cause of severe,
persistent mental illness is not relational or the behavior of others;
its' locus is within the person. There is not always a way to break
into that internal cycle to change it. And continuing to believe that
someone outside the system can interrupt that self-contained cycle by
acting or talking or even medicating... well, sometimes we can but
sometimes that's not granted to us. Sometimes the internal cycle is so
driving that the person can't stop and so closed that nothing can
penetrate it. At least nothing we know. And that's why severe,
persistent mental illness is so severe and persistent. It's not because
people don't try but it's that we can't reach it. It hasn't been
granted to us.
Sometimes helping the ones we love most is not granted to us.
And that is lamentable.
I
do not say, "I'm sorry for Ms. I" or for my family members with mental
illness like I used to because that implies that it was somehow my
fault, that I am somehow culpable, that I somehow need to make amends.
It is not my responsibility because I am not able to respond. I can't
reach the problem. Never have been able to. Tried and broke myself
trying. Can not respond. Am not responsible.
This
breaks my heart and keeps on breaking it. But it is not within my
ability to respond so I lament but don't apologize anymore, not even in
my own head.
I
caught myself praying this morning, "I'm sorry for Ms. I" but I
interrupted myself and changed to, "I lament this for Ms. I. I lament
for her family. And I especially lament for her mom."
Do you know how on KTIS they do that thing called the Drive-through
Difference where someone pays for the order of the person behind them?
Well, let's just say, I've paid four decades of my life into this so I'm
hoping you get a meal out of it now.
You,
dear, are responsible for your choices and you've used your ability to
respond to learn better parenting skills and go to therapy yourself and
take her to therapy and talk calmly and set good boundaries and get her
evaluated and take her to get meds. Her choice to refuse your help and
your decision to stand ready to help but no longer try to force it on
her is so, so healthy. I am so very proud of you and I wish that my
family and I had done the same many, many years ago instead of breaking
ourselves and our whole family system on trying to control what we can't
reach.
You've tried.
It hasn't been granted.
You're waiting to do her good when she asks.
It is still lamentable and will continue to be lamentable.
But you are choosing wisely within it.
I've never been more glad to be your friend.
I've taken my turn and had my say. Give me a call after 3:00 if you want me to listen.
Love,
Amy
